Synapses and heartbeats are colliding in my jerky, brilliant, sophomoric glide through these days. Thoughts and desires are elevating the tension between my static place on this spinning globe and the fuzzy area where time slows, additional dimensions show up and my eyes are less than what is required to really see. I’m conflicted. Some part of me doesn’t want to try this hard, the rest of me, as disconnected as I am to myself, feels urgent, anxious and unfinished. Perhaps barely started. I know there is something beckoning me. Someone is telling me there is more; and I believe it. I feel it. I’m not sure if I hear a whisper because my hearing is becoming more acute or if I’m finally hearing the loud warning. Am I being invited to something transcendent or warned away from something monstrous and diabolical; maybe both. There are snatches of music drifting on meandering heaven scent breezes. At lucid moments, my consciousness coincides with this music and my hearing suddenly finds its meaning. I know what I’m for. The hints my senses have offered me finally give a clear suggestion. It makes my mouth water. I can’t sit still. I want to dance, sing , scream. I hope so desperately. I want to destroy that which holds me. Send it to oblivion and escape the bounds and shackles. This box I’m in is both torture and generous preparation. I am willing but I want much more. I believe there is a language that can satisfy this yearning. There is life that can be communicated beyond mere words. I have been invited to receive the life of the creator. He has named me as a son and a lover. He has made me part of his body and his bride. I have become the mystery the angels sing of. They see and are awed by the love my God and I share. It is special and holy. It is beyond comprehension. No singular mode of either communication or understanding is capable of holding it. I am quite sure that if all forms came together in perfect harmony they would serve mainly to illustrate their own limitations in light of the magnitude of perfect existence. But again, it is not for me to worry about completing anything. That is for him. For now, in my melancholy, music wafts. I am seeing connections. I am seeing reason for hope and despair – both which will be satisfied… CommentsReading this twice it seems as though it could be written from the struggles my heart is going through right now, but also the struggles I went through when I decided to give my life away for the first time. Sometimes I think that I've chosen to accept Christ and then I moved on. Past it. To the rest of life as a Christian. But the struggle we have daily, or seasonally, as God stretches us and changes us is that same struggle we had to choose him for the first time. He is showing us who he is and it is moving us to brokenness. Again. Is that what Paul meant when he said we must continue to work out our salvation? Not that we are not saved...but that once we decide to be His, we are saved but the transformational work of salvation is never complete until the day he returns or calls us out of this life? 11/03/2009 08:56
I am hoping that I am being prepared for eternity. I think that's what this is all about; developing my appetite, adjusting my expectations, reorienting my hope focus, developing my language, etc. If I believe that everything matters only as it has relevance in the kingdom of heaven, then... everything matters. 03/06/2011 19:20
Comparison, more than reality, makes men happy or wretched. Do you think so? Leave a Reply | CurtisI like to write. You can check out other stuff on my facebook notes or my other blog - www.ithinkiwokeup.blogspot.com ArchivesFebruary 2011 Categories |
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